Every time I sit down and try to write a story about Christian, I have my emotions overwhelm me and I can't put memories down on paper. I can't get past the thoughts in my head of how much I love him and miss him. I always thing and wonder what he would be like today. What kind of things would he enjoy doing and movies he would love to watch. Everyone that knew him knew the crazy little odd things he would do that were unique to him. Today he would be 5 years old and I wonder how he would have grown and wonder if his eyebrows would have ever gotten dark enough to see. Christian had a special quality you don't find in a lot of people that have grown use to this world. Compassion and Caring are not traits one usually associate with a little boy, but Christian was anything but typical. Christian was a child ruled by his emotions a lot like I am, however he didn't have a need to hide them or withhold them because his world was so pure. I saw a lot of myself in Christian, and I saw a lot of DeLores in him also. I know it is never easy for any child to grow up in a family that is divided and I could tell it was difficult on him. Must be hard for any child to try and understand why his mother and father live so far apart and to make sense of everything going on in life. Growing up isn't easy for anyone, but I always tried to make sure his need always came first. The last time I saw him was on Sunday three days before he passed away. I was dropping him off at his mothers apt after having him for the month. As always I walked him to her door two floors up and dropped his bag and car seat off. Kissed him and told him I loved him and I would see him next weekend. Give him a hug and be on my way. It was never easy saying goodbye for me but this was how it had to be and I knew we would have fun next time. We had some kind of unspoken bond and could cheer the other up with just a stare, he knew I loved him more than the world itself. As I was walking back to the car I heard him yelling "Daddy, wait, Wait Daddy." I turned around to see him running after me and his uncle John upstairs on the porch. I crouched down and he ran up and gave me a big hug, and said "Daddy, I love you," and gave me a kiss. I don't think I've ever been so happy in my life as to hear my son say he loves me and it come straight from his heart. There are few moments in life like that, and everyone knows all the sad moments, but this was the one that made life worth all the sorrow and heartache. I was so excited to have him the following Friday and started working on making him a comic book with pictures of his life. I wanted to do something special for him with the tools I had in my life. I never got that Sunday like I had wanted, instead I visited him as he lay in his casket. Death isn't one of those things that will affect you in short term, instead it hangs around with you. For something that happens so sudden and sharp in life, death brings with it memories of life. Christian may not be around to get into trouble, or make funny jokes, but inside everyone he has touched his flame of remembrance shines bright. Christian has touched my soul, and with it every soul I touch his flame is passed on, his legacy. Just as other children that have left this world, their lives have slowly found a way to burn into my life giving me some sad hope that threw death we can bring life.